Sunday, 20 June 2010

VCB 12: The pigeon detectives

Today I thought I would tell you a story about something that happened today. If you are expecting from the title that it has something to do with English indie-rock band called The Pigeon Detectives then you are wrong. That was just my attempt to be witty and clever. My story is one of a real pigeon, a real chimney and a lot of guilt.

It started last night when my sister and I were picking a film to watch (we ended up picking American Beauty, one of my favourite films that I learnt I knew the entire script for almost - but this is irrelevant). While in the front room we heard a noise coming from the chimney; a kind of flapping. I said confidently: "Don't worry, it is just the chimney balloon being rattled by the wind". You may see where the 'lot of guilt' will come into play later on.

Thinking nothing more of it we watched our film and went to bed to sleep soundly until morning (which is Fathers Day! I love my dad!). After breakfast we were all sitting and chatting and Tom, my sister's husband, comes into the room and says: "There is a bird stuck in the chimney". Well... here was my chance to sound smart and knowing. I confidently turn to him and say: "No no no. It is the chimney balloon blowing in the wind".

This would have been the end of it but other people are smarter than me: the fact that today was not a windy day kind of suggested to the rest of my family that checking would be the best plan of action. So off they went while I sit with the true fact of the matter slowly dawning on me. Thus begins the guilt.

My dad and Tom shut themselves in the front room and removed the chimney balloon. At this point we hear more flapping, a feather falls out and see that the balloon (which is something to keep the draft out if you don't know) is covered in - to put it the nice way - poopy poop. The guilt intensifies.

Obviously we all knew the bird had to come out but unfortunately flying directly downwards through a gap only slightly bigger than its body doesn't come naturally to a pigeon - don't ask me why. And so a game of rattling a bamboo stick into the chimney began to encourage it to fly out began. It lasted a long time, and to be fair, really wasn't fun. At least I wasn't my dad or Tom who had the lovely job of sitting with their heads by the chimney ready to have a flippin' pigeon soar into their face.

Eventually the bird came out and, as you would expect, began to fly around the room not paying much attention to the walls and windows it was banging into. After about five laps Tom managed to grab the pigeon in a towel and let it go out of the window. It flew off very happy I'm sure to be free of the Abbott household.

At this point I have to stand up and say categorically: I was wrong. The chimney balloon wasn't flapping in the wind... it was flapping because a pigeon with an obesity issue was tap dancing on it to get my attention. Of course the guilt then sets in stronger upon entering the now bird-less room to find that it had splattered blood basically everywhere. I am sure it was fine because it flew off okay but even so... I feel like a terrible person!

We then had to rush around washing the walls, ceilings, curtains and carpet with wet cloths before the blood stained. It had also broke a glass photo framed and very slightly scratched the piano. But I feel asking for compensation would be a bit insensitive so I am willing to let it go. But rest assured I will be placing a note on our chimney asking bird to refrain from falling down the hole - I don't want to feel bad again!

My answer: This isn't the first time we have had a bird in the house (in fact it has happened quite a lot - maybe we are a bird friendly family). There was one time that I was minding my own business in my bedroom at my old house when suddenly a bird flies out of the fireplace straight towards me. I of course scream and duck while the bird decided it wants to fly in circles pooping so that I had to spend the rest of the day wiping up shit. It was not pretty. But the bird was fine.

By the way in case you haven't heard of the band The Pigeon Detectives then this is my favourite song of theirs. Feel I should include something of theirs since I stole their title:


PinkPixieDF (Heather) said...

I've never had a bird in my house. They've come into the shops where I've worked before, but not my house. That is a crazy story because I've always lived in houses with a fireplace and we've never had that happen. The most irritating time I've had with birds was at the university I went to. There was a cafe where most people had lunch, but the cafe only had outdoor seating. The birds around there got realy comfortable around people and would beg for food. The larger birds like pigeons and crows got really brave and would fly at your face while you were eating your pizza and try to steal it from you. It was kind of scary when they would do that.

Beth said...

I've never had a bird in my house, but during finals week, there was a bird trapped in the building I was studying in with a couple of friends. We felt really bad but weren't sure how to get it back outside. Then, a couple of our friends tweeted literally an hour later that they had set a bird free from the building. Apparently we were all on the same page about this bird, and these two friends had apparently successfully shooed it outside. Boring story, but it certainly made the day much brighter after being stuck in a computer lab for hours that day.

Helen E. Abbott said...

@Heather - Ergh I hate it when birds do that. It is illegal to feed the pigeons in St Marks Square in Venice because the city leaders don't want them to get like that!

@Beth - I don't think I could focus on study while a bird was flying around the building! Freaky.

A.J. James said...

I am sure I have had a bird in my house in the past but I cant think of any funny anecdotes.

When I was 14 and living in Oregon, (about 100 miles from where I am now.) We used to have a Bobcat that would try and eat our cats food. and any other animals in the vacinity.

Julie H said...

Sorry but today's blog really funny! LOL! Poor pigeon and piano though! Never had wild bird problems but I do know that when a pigeon is run over, it makes a loud pop sound! Just thought I'd share that! Pop goes the pigeon!

Keep up with your blog! You doing great job!