Early morning musings

Why is it that it is always 3:30am when your body decides to not work but your brain comes alive? This blog is about self motivation, or, more precisely, try to ascertain why I have none. It may not make much sense but hey - it is early morning! What do you expect from me!?

The reason I am up is because I have muscle damage in my right thigh. If you read my pre-VidCon blogs you will already know about my joint problems so forgive me for the slight recap for those who don't: I have something called 'benign joint hypermobility syndrome'. It is quite a general term for double-jointedness, which is caused by a collagen deficiency in the joints.. However where some people have double-jointedness for the good (like dancers or gymnasts), silly Helen here has the bad kind... the kind that just causes pain. Chronic pain. Oh joy.

I won't go into the history of my joint pain because that isn't what this blog is about. If you are interested in that you can read my previous blog by clicking here. No, I am writing this blog because it has occured to me that it is time I made a change. But I need some self motivation. And for some reason, that is a really scary statement.

There are two things I can do which will help my joint pain (which also causes other pain, the worst being neuropathic pain i.e. nerve twinges i.e. fucking ow) and they are: 1) medication and 2) pilates.

Medication seems like a pretty obvious one and I of course take painkillers when things are bad. However I am meant to take amitriptalyne which is, if you run to look it up, is an tricyclic anti-depressant and works as a sort of muscle relaxant. I used to take this for a long time as well as regular painkillers every four hours. Thing is taking up to 17 tablets in one day kind of made me worry that my insides would turn to mush. So I went it solo without.

Pilates I also tried out and then stopped. Gentle exercise such as pilates or tai chi (NOT yoga - weird body shapes is really unhelpful) build muscle without causing impact damage. Stronger muscles support the joints and less injuries occur. I have no real reason for stopping this, or the medication for that matter, other than I completely lack self motivation. It is a cop-out excuse, I know, but there you have it.

I think because I have tried things in the past that haven't worked I have become disillusioned to the point of not even trying any more. And while I try my best to not complain and just get on with my life as normal my lifestyle has changed dramtically over the past few years. And I realised, in my now 4am tiredness, that I haven't done a single thing to help myself.

So my question is why? Why do I not possess the self-motivation to do what I can for myself to make sure I can maintain a normal life? Why is it so scary to take control? I don't feel like one of those people who are scared to fail. I don't feel depressed. I literally have no excuse except laziness and low self esteem.

I want to be the type of person to take the bull by the horns. I dont want to be 'that' person who spends their life preaching to others about helping themselves and doing good in the world or making a differense but completely forget to apply the same thinking to my own life.

I don't want to change my body and my pains; I want to change my attitude. I want to gain self motivation to help myself make my own life easier. The hypermobility is both a catalyst and an effect but it is not the issue here. I want to make a mental change - less pain will be my reward I guess.

Anyway I am going back to bed now. Night.