Why is it that it is always 3:30am when your body decides to not work but your brain comes alive? This blog is about self motivation, or, more precisely, try to ascertain why I have none. It may not make much sense but hey - it is early morning! What do you expect from me!?
The reason I am up is because I have muscle damage in my right thigh. If you read my pre-VidCon blogs you will already know about my joint problems so forgive me for the slight recap for those who don't: I have something called 'benign joint hypermobility syndrome'. It is quite a general term for double-jointedness, which is caused by a collagen deficiency in the joints.. However where some people have double-jointedness for the good (like dancers or gymnasts), silly Helen here has the bad kind... the kind that just causes pain. Chronic pain. Oh joy.
I won't go into the history of my joint pain because that isn't what this blog is about. If you are interested in that you can read my previous blog by clicking here. No, I am writing this blog because it has occured to me that it is time I made a change. But I need some self motivation. And for some reason, that is a really scary statement.
There are two things I can do which will help my joint pain (which also causes other pain, the worst being neuropathic pain i.e. nerve twinges i.e. fucking ow) and they are: 1) medication and 2) pilates.
Medication seems like a pretty obvious one and I of course take painkillers when things are bad. However I am meant to take amitriptalyne which is, if you run to look it up, is an tricyclic anti-depressant and works as a sort of muscle relaxant. I used to take this for a long time as well as regular painkillers every four hours. Thing is taking up to 17 tablets in one day kind of made me worry that my insides would turn to mush. So I went it solo without.
Pilates I also tried out and then stopped. Gentle exercise such as pilates or tai chi (NOT yoga - weird body shapes is really unhelpful) build muscle without causing impact damage. Stronger muscles support the joints and less injuries occur. I have no real reason for stopping this, or the medication for that matter, other than I completely lack self motivation. It is a cop-out excuse, I know, but there you have it.
I think because I have tried things in the past that haven't worked I have become disillusioned to the point of not even trying any more. And while I try my best to not complain and just get on with my life as normal my lifestyle has changed dramtically over the past few years. And I realised, in my now 4am tiredness, that I haven't done a single thing to help myself.
So my question is why? Why do I not possess the self-motivation to do what I can for myself to make sure I can maintain a normal life? Why is it so scary to take control? I don't feel like one of those people who are scared to fail. I don't feel depressed. I literally have no excuse except laziness and low self esteem.
I want to be the type of person to take the bull by the horns. I dont want to be 'that' person who spends their life preaching to others about helping themselves and doing good in the world or making a differense but completely forget to apply the same thinking to my own life.
I don't want to change my body and my pains; I want to change my attitude. I want to gain self motivation to help myself make my own life easier. The hypermobility is both a catalyst and an effect but it is not the issue here. I want to make a mental change - less pain will be my reward I guess.
Anyway I am going back to bed now. Night.
Showing posts with label joints. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joints. Show all posts
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Monday, 14 June 2010
VCB 06: Pff, it is just double jointedness right?
Today I want to tell you a bit about something that affects me every day of my life - hypermobility syndrome. The reason being that my bronco inflicted injuries (see VCB 04) are causing me to hobble around and so it seems fitting I have a bit of a moan here on my blog. Saying that I hope you will find it more interesting than ranty! I aim to inform and entertain!
Firstly let me address the title question: "Is it just double jointedness?"
"Double jointed?" - yes, more or less. It is where joints are highly flexible, for example athletes and gymnasts are usually hypermobile. But "just?" - no, not at all. It is more than just because "just" can't affect how you live your life. For a small minority of people, myself included, the flexibility of the joints cause injury and pain.
Going back to the very beginning for a moment, I was actually born with dislocated hips. Words cannot express how happy I am that I cannot remember this! I have expereienced subluxed joints (partial disclocation) which is painful enough as it is! Apparently when I was two my parents found out I would have bad joints for my whole life after I was referred to a consultant. And it turned out that consultant was spot on!
When I was a child I loved being active whether it be trampolining, cycling or general playing, however I always complained afterwards. I remember several times complaining to family that I couldn't walk any further when we out for the day (some of my relatives still think I was just being lazy). I can also remember my childhood injuries that led to my diagnosis.
When I was about 8 years old I tore a tendon in my left knee. I am not sure how I did this (possibly trampolining) but it led to my first xrays and my first ever physio sessions. A few years later, when I was about 11, I had more xrays and physio because I threw my back out. The back injury was a trampolining injury sustained during a move called the 'cradle' - a move where you back drop and then twist into a second, opposite facing backdrop. It hurt and I was banned from trampolining due to my back. Unfortunately it was the only sport I ever showed talent in! I could even do somersaults. But dem de brakes!
After that I was x-rayed, physio-ed and blood tested on a regular basis until a consultant finally diagnosed me with hypermobility when I was about 16. Of course anyone who has a chronic health problem will know that a diagnosis doesn't really mean much in terms of pain relief. I have tried everything for that: physio (which is rehabilitative so doesn't work), painkillers (at one point I counted about 17 pills a day for pain relief. I have since decided to go pill free where possible. I don't like thinking about how my liver is coping with all that medicine), and pain management.
Pain management is basically a nice way of specialist nurses saying "put up with it". And so I do. In fact I have had joint pain every day since I was about 19 and - without trying to sound like a martyr but going to end up sounding like it anyway - it is just part of life now. I have accepted that a full time job may never be achievable for me because of the strain on my joints and that when I think about big events I also have to schedule in several days of rest afterwards.
Before I end this hopefulyl interesting and not depressing blog I urge you to read The Spoon Theory. This is a personal story of someone living with a chronic illness and gives a good insight if you are not sure what this might mean for daily life.
To end I want to say that while I sometimes want to trade in my joints for some new ones I am happy and I surrounded by supportive and understanding people. When I say that hypermobility is part of my life it is a positive thing. I am lucky enough to have people like James who help me accept my pain and deal with it as best I can. The important thing is to not let it affect my enjoyment of life. And considering I am going to Los Angeles this summer... I think it is safe to say I don't!
QUESTION OF THE DAY: WHEN SOMETHING GETS YOU DOWN WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT ALWAYS CHEERS YOU UP?
My answer: A Buffy DVD marathon usually does the trick. And of course my James always makes me happy.
Firstly let me address the title question: "Is it just double jointedness?"
"Double jointed?" - yes, more or less. It is where joints are highly flexible, for example athletes and gymnasts are usually hypermobile. But "just?" - no, not at all. It is more than just because "just" can't affect how you live your life. For a small minority of people, myself included, the flexibility of the joints cause injury and pain.
Going back to the very beginning for a moment, I was actually born with dislocated hips. Words cannot express how happy I am that I cannot remember this! I have expereienced subluxed joints (partial disclocation) which is painful enough as it is! Apparently when I was two my parents found out I would have bad joints for my whole life after I was referred to a consultant. And it turned out that consultant was spot on!
When I was a child I loved being active whether it be trampolining, cycling or general playing, however I always complained afterwards. I remember several times complaining to family that I couldn't walk any further when we out for the day (some of my relatives still think I was just being lazy). I can also remember my childhood injuries that led to my diagnosis.
When I was about 8 years old I tore a tendon in my left knee. I am not sure how I did this (possibly trampolining) but it led to my first xrays and my first ever physio sessions. A few years later, when I was about 11, I had more xrays and physio because I threw my back out. The back injury was a trampolining injury sustained during a move called the 'cradle' - a move where you back drop and then twist into a second, opposite facing backdrop. It hurt and I was banned from trampolining due to my back. Unfortunately it was the only sport I ever showed talent in! I could even do somersaults. But dem de brakes!
After that I was x-rayed, physio-ed and blood tested on a regular basis until a consultant finally diagnosed me with hypermobility when I was about 16. Of course anyone who has a chronic health problem will know that a diagnosis doesn't really mean much in terms of pain relief. I have tried everything for that: physio (which is rehabilitative so doesn't work), painkillers (at one point I counted about 17 pills a day for pain relief. I have since decided to go pill free where possible. I don't like thinking about how my liver is coping with all that medicine), and pain management.
Pain management is basically a nice way of specialist nurses saying "put up with it". And so I do. In fact I have had joint pain every day since I was about 19 and - without trying to sound like a martyr but going to end up sounding like it anyway - it is just part of life now. I have accepted that a full time job may never be achievable for me because of the strain on my joints and that when I think about big events I also have to schedule in several days of rest afterwards.
Before I end this hopefulyl interesting and not depressing blog I urge you to read The Spoon Theory. This is a personal story of someone living with a chronic illness and gives a good insight if you are not sure what this might mean for daily life.
To end I want to say that while I sometimes want to trade in my joints for some new ones I am happy and I surrounded by supportive and understanding people. When I say that hypermobility is part of my life it is a positive thing. I am lucky enough to have people like James who help me accept my pain and deal with it as best I can. The important thing is to not let it affect my enjoyment of life. And considering I am going to Los Angeles this summer... I think it is safe to say I don't!
QUESTION OF THE DAY: WHEN SOMETHING GETS YOU DOWN WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT ALWAYS CHEERS YOU UP?
My answer: A Buffy DVD marathon usually does the trick. And of course my James always makes me happy.
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